White Heat

Me, the loner. Me, the black sheep. The rule-breaker, the freak, the forsaken?

So many decisions, so many paths to chose from, so many ways to go.

And yet, at this point – it was just me and the fire.

I watched it dance, flicker and tease the air around.

It didn’t make me uneasy – then again, fire never does.

I watched the golden flames lick the grass not far from me. I watched the flames caress the blades, and watched as the green turned to dust right before my eyes.

I watched the blaze, watched as it grew and grew, and grew.

Then, it crackled merrily, a few feet above my motionless body. I could almost feel the flames mirrored in my eyes, yet the heat hadn’t penetrated to my ice-cold limbs yet. Ahead of me lay the most beautiful scene I would ever see. My city, at night, with the reflection of all those brilliant lights in the calm waters of our sea.
There was no sound that registered in my head, other than the fizzing of the fire.
In a way it completely reflects the way I feel, that burning and lack of control on how it spreads, then again it’s so different from my restraints and rules.

The first few rays of dawn creep towards me, I can feel them reaching out. They irritate me, for I know, with them comes the shock of realization that reality always brings. And I don’t want it. I do not want reality to interfere in all that is so pure, heck, so clear in my head now.

I do not want to dismiss this with the blink of an eye.
Tonight I learnt a lot. About life, its meaning and purpose. What exactly I learnt cannot be expressed in words, only feelings. And hence, that much harder to explain. I hesitate to blink, even though my eyes begin to water. I plead to myself – no, don’t let go.
Don’t let me go…

Involuntary. I’m too weak. As my lids sweep down, something inside breaks. I open up slowly. The magnificent fire is smoking as it takes its last few breaths. I watch it in the cruel light of day that grows stronger and stronger. I feel all the madness leave me, draining out of me slowly. Sanity overcomes me.

I stand up. This is me now. No silly emotions clouding me, no indecision lingering. The truth is cruel, so am I. I know what I have to do.

Dust off the past. Actions precede the words, I’m dusting off my clothes. I pull myself to my full height. The eyes, they narrow themselves. Too much light, too much to see. All I have to do now is focus.

Strides that would make a pack leader proud, I’m walking away. The fire dwindles away completely to smoke. I don’t even glance back. Step, step, step.

Chin in the air. Time to be a leader. Time for me to forge my own way.