Come Winter

Cold, cold wind. I sit here alone, watching the stillness in contrast to my mind. There is nothing the wind moves, and yet it makes its presence known.
A chill races up and down my body. I shudder, but no sound escapes me. Even if it did there would be no use. I sit here, alone as the day I was born and as alone as I will be the day I die.
I close my eyes, trying to shut out the world around me. My mind wanders to the ‘what if’s and the ‘I wish’s. I try to control them- but I’m no authority over the procedure any more than I am of destiny.
Destiny. What a funny word. I never believed in it despite all the miracles and the fortunes I found along my way to where I am today. And yet now- now I am inclined to believe maybe this is what I am destined for.
To feel alone in a room buzzing with people.
To feel alone when the sun shines on my face.
And to feel alone- so terribly alone- when I lie on my bed and watch the shadows play on the ceiling, cast by the headlights of the cars passing by.
I’ve never been surrounded by so many people, never had so many in my life- and never felt more secluded.
Days come and go, hours tick by, I mechanically carry out the tasks expected of me, and all the while I wish for the courage – courage to break free from the monotony.
How long since I felt?
Have I ever experienced anything?
There I sit, laughing or crying, but not for long- never for long. Was I equipped with feelings? Or is it something I’ve taught myself over time so I might feel less lonely?
Sometimes I wonder if I’m human. Maybe when they were handing out emotions and feelings- I got the scraps stuck to the dish when everyone’s had their share.
If I’m cut- I bleed. I see the blood, and in a corner of my mind I sense there could be- should be pain.
Yet- Nothing.
I have ambitions- dreams of leaving this rut behind and finding a place that tears down the walls around me. Then I blink- and realize how futile that dream is. I’m trapped here and will be. Call it what you will- this is my ‘destiny’, my ‘fate’, ‘karma’ or just plain cowardliness. But I’m stuck- and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I close my eyes. Time to dream. The need to dream overcomes me.
Weak- but I close my eyes to escape for a brief reprieve. To a world where I feel safe and secure.
Nay, to world where I feel.