Rantings of the now 19-year-old.

Sometimes I feel so inexplicably… trapped… it just feels so surreal and inexplicable.

I feel way more restless than I normally ever would… ever. I find the urge inside of me to do something- anything! and yet I cant seem to curtail the feeling that there is nothing there for me to do!

Sometimes I just want to break free.. . free from what I’m not quite sure, but free, truly so.
I want, no crave a life which is much more… rich, fulfilling and definately more satisfying than the one I lead now…

I’d like for the colors in my life to glow, to be more than just the dull black, white and grey… I’d love for vibrance, taste and excitement to flow in and out as they please, for the colors to tease and ease my temper, for me to experience the richest of tastes and I’m not talking just about food, although that in itself is another thing I dream of.

Food that simply melts in my mouth, a thousand flavours teasing my senses, a book that keeps me glued to a sofa, making me forget myself, life and time as a whole, a movie that has me wishing it wouls last for much longer, a painting that makes my fingers itch to feel the texture and trace out the outlines, a dress that floats on me and feels like a dream, a house that I could explore and get lost in, a car I could just drive on as it purs in encouragement, a song that stays in my head throughout the day and makes me smile, a friend whos comfortable silences leave me content, a night with the stars oh-so-bright, not a cloud in the sky, a morning thats crystal clear, a rainy afternoon and an evening of entertainment, and i just float on like that…

Too much to ask… No, not really. I just want a life of variety, one which has both ups and downs, and even some moments of dullness for me to catch my breath. I want to live in a house with bright vivid colours, a house with the view of a lake or something, which in turn would be my little hideout.

I want a circle of deep, trusting friends, a group of us who understand each other and do nothing more than hang out with each other and in that respect, show each other that we care.

I want to eat flavours that are simply devine- melting, teasing, tempting and yet utterly satisfying.

I want the loyalty and the warmth of a pet in the house, which will get me through the loneliest of days.

I want a life,  which so much in it that I would feel lifetimes aren’t enough.

I want to have happy dreams, not ones where I long for more.

I am happy with what I have now- or so I feel. But I am restless- because I want more- and I know its on offer somewhere, sometime for me. The question remains, will I get it? And if so, will it be the right time for me?

All this ranting is pointless, but its an outlet, a way to say I need more, I want more- but I’ll survive and do what I can to get it.

Time is cruel.