The Circle Of Liz

It's always the same.

In the beginning, I sound so cool, so dangerous, so different, that one person who's always been the underdog is instantly attracted by the lifestyle I seem to project.

I buy their lies, I believe they may really be like me.

Then one day they figure out, there is nothing cool about me at all, I just am different, and they are not.

Suddenly I'm alone and friendless again, and my soul is ripped to bits.

All I taught them, all my signature traits they adopt and publicize as their own... Like I've been caught naked on camera and the worst part is my face was photoshopped over by someone else. I don't care if no one will know that it's not me, all I know is my privates are on display for everybody to see and criticize. I don't know whats worse, a (false)praise for the girl who's face is stuck on mine, or an insult. I can't stand either.

I'm not the way I am by choice, I just am they way I am. I didn't pick it up from everybody and my personality doesn't change in a crowd. I get painfully lonely a lot and I'll never be popular. Why does no one get this?

I listen to english music because English is the only language I am fluent in. The same reason why I speak the language and watch English movies. My attitude and mannerism then is completely based on books I've read, Hollywood movies I see and the English channels I watch, because I pretty much don't understand anything else. I don't do it because it's "cool", it's in fact, a weakness of mine.

I dress the way I do because I grew up beside my sister - and the number of guys that fell for her are endless enough that I developed an inferiority complex. I mean I look nothing like her, so clearly I'm not that good looking. Very soon, I accepted this and eased the fact into my life. I really did NOT care about my looks, despite what everyone thought! 

If I don't talk to you, it's not because I'm arrogant, it's just that I'm painfully shy and I don't want anyone to notice my weakness. I get mortified to talk to strangers, mortified when I'm among acquaintances and I'd rather die than be in the spotlight. 

My life is not at all what everyone thinks it is. It is not one bit glamorous, nor flamboyant, it's not even very interesting! I am a twenty-something girl who is too shy to talk to strangers, has serious doubts about herself every single day and takes life rather seriously. 

I hate it when someone I trust so much suddenly into the very thing I am the opposite off. One minute the two of us are talking in the back seat about something or the other, the next minute I'm alone in a corner, watching my ex-friend who's at the center of attention - spot-light and all.

It feels like a back-stab. I can't explain how or why, but it does. And it worries me. I have maybe two friends who haven't turned out that way... But is that it?! I keep falling into this hole and nothing I do ever gets me out.

Everyone says be yourself. I always am. And that brings me nothing but misery.